Let's pretend this never happened
by moxie sauce
Summary: Mai and Ty lee are having boy troubles and they need help. So they go to the last person ANYONE would think of. Who could it be?  Not a Ty zula or Mai lee fic.
1. Ty Lee gets lost

Chapter 1

**Just warning whoever might be reading this.**

**This is a total crack fic. I just wanted to try my hand at writing something funny since most of my stories are depressing.**

**In this story there will be implied ty lokka, maiko and zutara. There will also be make-belive zukaang.**

**You have been warned...**

Tylee's POV-

Ok, first let me just get something out there.

I did not MEAN to have sex with Sokka. It just kinda happened. I don't regret it. But I REALLY don't want to die at my boss Suki's hands so I guess I gotta keep this quiet.

Now you may be wondering how I managed to convince Sokka to go whoo hooing off with me.

Truth is we were both drunk out of our minds. I don't think he even remembers. And I haven't been sticking around to find out. I'm heading to Azula's asylum. Yes, crazy insane ex-princess Azula's asylum. I'm getting the gang back together.

And by gang I don't mean gaang. Ya know. The gaang is the avatars little team of save the world vigilantes. I'm talking about THE GANG. Basically consisting of three fire nation girls. Myself included.

Me, Azula and Mai. Chasing Zuko. Chasing the avatar. Chasing a squirrel-cat after it stole zuko's break up letter to Mai. Chasing a magpie-cod when it stole Azula's necklace.

Good times, good times.

You may be wondering who I am. Well, my name is Ty Lee and I am your bubbly, flexible, seductive circus freak (gotta hand it to Zuko, that name really sticks).

You see, whenever me, Mai or Azula are having guy problems we all meet up and discuss it. A bit like guys get together to discuss the sacred bro-code. I don't know much about the bro-code. Except that one rule has something to do with camping. I guess we'll never know.

But back to the story. The Sokka issue is the exact example I need. It's that kind of thing that we get together to spill the beans about. And I need some bean spilling pretty darn soon or I'm going to go completely nuts (in a bad way).

Well, the prison is just over t- wait a sec. Do I even know where the prison is? The lats time we had a girl to girl talk it was when Zuko dumped Mai with a letter. Total cowardice that was. I told Mai to go slap him in the face but instead she saves his life and gets bak

together with him. Disgraceful.

Back to the prison. I think i've lost it. I don't know where it is. Not that there really was sense to this

plan anyways but I always have stupid plans. Plus they always work. I have no idea why but my stupid plans that make no sense what-so-ever always seem to go my way.

DAMN YOU WHOEVER MOVED THE PRISON!

#$%^&*#$!2"?

Ok, I think I'm gonna have to take up anger management courses.

Damn the person who got that into my head.


	2. aka I need your help

Chapter 2

**Just a warning. This is a CRACK fic. There is no lemon in it. There is also no lime. There areb****no citrus fruits in general.**

**If you do not like the story. Then ok. **

**DO NOT FLAME!**

Azula's POV

I will break out of this prison. No stupid concrete box can hold the great power that is PRINCESSbAZULA.

"MWAH HAHAHA!" I laughed an evil crazy maniac laugh. As you can probably guess I'm princess Azula. You can also guess that I'm in an insane asylum. Laughing maniacally.

"HEY, keep it down in there." Yelled some random guard from outside.

"Yeah? MAKE ME!" I screeched in return. Poor guy must be out of his mind to challenge me.

"B-be qu-quiet." He stammered (I probably scared him witless with my amazing intimidating prowess) , "Or I-I'm g-going to t-t-tell your brother."

I sighed, a huge humungous get real sigh. "Really?" I asked, my voice practically dripping with exasperation.

"Y-yes." He tried but failed to speak properly.

"Yeah well- what's your name?" I asked.

"As if I'd tell you!" He said to me. Wow the man didn't stammer. A miracle.

"Well As-if I'd-tell-you," I said just to piss him off, "You don't know who you're messing with." I warned him.

"Yeah I do! Famous, crazy ex-princess Azula. I'm not scared of you!" He tried to retaliate. A bit like a runner who sets off think he has a chance but trips about a meter in front of the starting line.

"Mr As-if-i'd-tell-you." I said calmly, "You are a asshole."

"That's it!" He screeched, "I'm not putting up with this anymore! I quit being a prison guard. I wanna be a cabbage merchant instead!" He then huffed once and left.

Wow, that guy was easy to break.

I spent some time thinking about my friends. Or at least my EX-friends. (Why does everything in my life have an EX in front of it.)

Tylee and Mai. Chasing Zuko. Chasing the Avatar. Chasing a squirrel-cat. Chasing a magpie-cod.

I sighed. A regular sigh this time.

"Stupid times." I muttered.

Suddenly, completely out of the blue, I started thinking about Tylee and Mai. Where were they?

What were they doing? Why haven't they come to vi...

I harshly stopped that thought. I WASN'T missing them. Do you hear me random god that might be watching me? I'M NOT MISSING THEM!

"Hey, crazy stuff, you got a visitor." A random guard shouted.

"Oh, go die in a hole filled with burning acid jackass!" I yelled back.

"With you around, meh, that won't be a problem." He shouted back, unconcerned.

I thought to yell something back in return but stopped myself. Didn't want to scare away any potential visitors.

"No smart comeback? Princess Nut job must be loosing her touch." He taunted.

THAT'S IT!

I snarled letting rip with everything I had.

"You better shut your pie hole you fucking asshole cuz if you haven't forgotten I still have my bending and if you don't want to end up as a chicken BBQ platter you're going to get out of firing range." I glared at him. Sometimes if I glare too hard at a flower it shrivels up

and dies. I saw the prison guard start to sweat.

"I'll be going now." He muttered.

Then I heard quiet applauding.

"Wow Azula. You're going totally dai li on these prison punks. Think you made that one pee his pants." Mai grinned.

"Mai! Good to have you here." I said. "What brings you to my lonely part of the asylum?"

She shrugged. "Odd jobs here and there." She grinned, "And also the prospect of meeting up with an old friend. A.K. A I need your help Azula."

"Me? What help could I possibly offer the soon to be fire lady?" I teased.

"This isn't funny Azula. This is tough chez, the real deal. You'll love this."

Well, it did sound tempting. I leaned forwards.

"Spill."


	3. I'm just going to lie down and die

Chapter 3-

**I've just realized that Azula is acting a bit OOC in this fanfic. Oh well, just warning you.**

**I have nothing against Zuko.**

Mai's POV-

Well, I'm at the insane asylum spilling the details of my most complex romance pot of treacle to none other than crazy ex-princess of the fire nation Azula. Funny though, I would have expected her to have already guessed with. Me, Azula and Ty lee. Our brains work in

relative synchronization.

As soon as I finished my tale she whistled in appreciation.

"That is one pot of treacle you got there."

See?

I sighed, "You're telling me."

"Ok, ok." Azula said, raising up a palm as if to halt traffic, "Let me get this straight. You love Zuko, right or wrong?"

"Right." I said with conviction, I DO love Zuko.

"And Zuko said he loves you," Azula continued, "Right or wrong?"

"Right." I said. I remembered the moment perfectly. Fireworks had gone off, rainbows had appeared out of nowhere. The sky had shattered into a million diamond crystals as unicorns jumped over the rainbows. I sighed contentedly. Indulging myself in a small fantasy

where Zuko had picked me up and pinned me against the wall. We had then made hot, fiery, passionate love and after he would say to me...

"Earth to Mai? Come in Mai. Mai? MAI!" Azula had grabbed a sledgehammer and used it to smash my dream to pieces. Note to self, remember to finish that fantasy later.

"What?" I asked irritably.

"Mai, how can I help you solve your relationship treacle if you keep waltzing off to la la land to have pretend hanky-panky with a make believe Zuko?" Azula demanded.

"Because he's so damn sexy." I thought with my eyes closed.

"Um, mothership to Mai? Slight correction. My brother is NOT sexy!" Azula snapped.

Oops, had I said that out loud?

"Mai," Azula said to me, sighing. "Honey you got it bad. But when the man you love is off having hot sex with a water tribe floozy you know all hope is lost." She patted me on the back.

I started to cry. I hoped it would be the stylish, sobbing kind but it turned out to be a total hyperventilation.

Azula awkwardly patted me on the back, "There there." She said. "It's OK. Zuko was always an idiot."

"WAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH! I WANT ZUKO!" I screeched, throwing a mini-tantrum. Meh,

Azula and Ty lee are the only people I actually display emotion around.

"Where's Ty lee!" Azula asked desperately. Probably trying to change the direction the conversation was going. The way this conversation was going we were going to need a lot of fire-whisky, a lot of chocolate and about a mountain of cheesy movies.

"I DON'T KNOW! I WANT MY ZUKO!" I yelled. At this stage I was 99.99999999999999 doing this just to get on Azula's nerves and only 0.00000000000001 screaming because I was sad. Though n my book 0.00000000000001 is still a lot of emotion.

And that exact moment turned into a total speak of them devil fest when Ty lee stumbled into the cell screaming: "I MADE IT!"

We both looked up at her.

"Took you long enough." Azula remarked.

"Sorry guys but I REALLY need your help. You see I had sex with Sokka and he's Suki's boyfriend.

It was only a one night stand but your not SUPPOSED to even HAVE one night stands if you're taken and how was I supposed to know he was taken. Well OK. I guess I should have known 'cuz

Suki has a picture of his on the bedside table and she's always talking about how great he is and stuff. But the worst bit is Suki's my boss and if she ever finds out she'll kill me and I don't freakin' know what I'm going to do so I'm just going to lie down here and just die!"

Ty lee lay down on the cold prison floor and closed her eyes. Me and Azula exchanged a glance.

This was going to be interesting.


	4. Wait, Sparky and Aang did WHAT?

Chapter 4-

**Zukaang does not really happen in this fic.**

**Only make-believe zukaang does.**

Sokka's POV-

Ah, Ty lee. What a sexual goddess. Mmmm. Good at making out, plus nice tits. But I'm dating Suki. Forget Tylee. Forget the way she moaned my name when...

God, I've got to get out.

I went outside but the thoughts of Ty lee were still making me all hot and bothered. I thought about the most disgusting image I could conjure up to cool myself off. Aang and Zuko making out. My brain (against my will) started creating these sick sick images of Aang and

Zuko. I retched violently and threw up in the gutter.

"God Sokka, how much did you drink." Asked a familiarly cocky voice.

I looked up and saw Toph standing over me.

I groaned, "It's not my fault, I was thinking about Aang and Zuko making out..."

Toph's blind eyes widened, "Woah, woah, hold up Twinkletoes and SPARKY made out?"

I waved my hand in here direction, "That's not important, I've got bigger problems."

Toph's jaw had just about hit the ground, "What could be more important?"

I thought about it, I decided to tell Toph, she would be cool with it. Besides I'm PRETTY sure she wouldn't tell Suki. Unlike Katara.

"Come walk with me and I'll tell you." I said to her.

Toph shrugged, "I got nothing better to do anyway."

"Ok, well it happened like this..."

I told Toph about the whole I was with Suki but me and Ty lee got drunk out of our minds and started making out and that lead to- well. I bet you can guess.

At the end of my long complicated tale Toph's jaw was once again at the point of hitting the ground.

"You've got problems." She told me.

"I knoooowwwww." I groaned. "I don't know what to do! Suki will kill me if I tell her but I really like Ty lee..."

Toph suddenly grinned, "This is like one of those stupid talk show things." She changed her voice to a ridiculous show presenter one, "So Sokka, who will you choose. The loyal hometown sweetheart, or the exiting belly-baring hooker? Members of the audience vote now on

who you think he will choose."

She shoved an imaginary mike in my face and I batted it away.

"This is important!" I said, "Suki can't know what I did but if I pretend it never happened Ty lee will be really hurt!"

"Yeah Sokka, mostly when you go and have hot sex with a girl she gets kinda annoyed/hurt if you act like it never happened." Toph helpfully (NOT!) remarked.

I groaned and put my head in my hands, "I am doomed." I said, I was looking for a dramatic effect but my voice came out kind of muffled on account of my hand blocking my mouth.

Toph tried to be sympathetic and patted me on the back.

"Don't worry." She said, "I'm sure there are a million girls out there who would marry you if Suki and Ty lee both refuse."

I groaned again, "That's not the point, the point is..."

"The point is I'm going to go drill Sparky and Twinkletoes about this whole love affair thing they got going on. Catch you and your problems later." She said before running off.

"But that was just made up..." I said to her tail wind.

"Oh well," I though to myself while inwardly shrugging, "What harm could that lie do?"


	5. Azula goes teacher

Chapter 5-

**Azula teaching the art the seduction. Who would have though it?**

Ty lee's POV-

The prison floor is SERIOUSLY cold. How does Azula live here? Plus it's damp and I think I'm getting pneumonia. I shivered but tried to stay as still as possible at the same time. It was only my stupid pride that was stopping me from getting up, running away and having a

nice long bath.

Preferably with rose petals and a huge box of chocolate to keep me company.

"Ty lee, get up." I heard a commanding voice say. It was probably Azula's Mai was still sniffling quietly and didn't have the right tone of voice to make that kind of demand.

"No." I said sullenly, I knew I sounded like a sulky child but I couldn't help it. Being mature wasn't high on my list of things to do.

"Ty lee." Azula had changed her tone from commanding to exasperated. "Get up now and I'll give you a kitten."

Now THAT was the excuse I had been looking for. I squealed and bounced up clapping my hands.

Mai looked at me with an expression that was half sigh-she-fell-for-it-again half amused. Well, at least I made her feel half amused.

Azula held out an empty hand.

"Take the invisible kitten." She said.

Now it was MY turn to sigh.

" Zula. You don't have a kitten." I informed her though I was pretty sure she already knew.

She sighed. "I know that Ty lee. I was just trying to get you to get up and not die on the prison floor."

This time it was my turn to sigh.

Then I heard Mai sigh. Me and Azula turned to her with questioning looks.

"What? It seemed like the right moment," she defended her sighing.

I groaned, "What am I going to do?"

Mai groaned, "What am _I_ going to do?"

Azula groaned, "Why am I the only one without a relationship problem?"

"BECAUSE YOUR THE LUCKY ONE!" Me and Mai chorused.

Azula held up her hands in surrender, "Ok, ok guys. Sheesh kebabs."

"So, Azula. Master of all that has anything to do with sticky messes of the heart," Started Mai.

"What do we do?" I finished.

Azula considered for a second then her head shot up. It was a total "ping!" and a little lantern pops

up above her head moment.

"Girls," she said, "Desperate times call for desperate measures. I'm afraid you will have to learn the

secret art of seduction."

I squealed, Mai leaned forwards. It was obvious we were both interested.

" Now," Started Azula, "You guys need notepads and pens and I need a whiteboard..."


	6. nudge nudge hint hint wink wink

Chapter 6-

**O.o What's Toph gonna do!**

Toph's POV-

Sparky and TWINKLETOES made out. This is a freakin' GOLD mine. Do you know what I can DO with this info?

"Thank you Sokka." I muttered.

I was running as fast as I could, which is pretty fast.

"Think Toph think." I told myself. "Who should I go for first?"

It took me about three seconds to decide who would have the best reaction.

"Sparky." I said grinning.

I reached Uncle Iroh's teashop which was where Fire lord Sparky was rumored to be.

I burst in while yelling: "I need to see Sparky!"

Zuko immediately jumped up looking around at the customers nervously while hissing, "Toph! There are people here!"

"Yeah yeah, I thought they were platypus bears." I smirked at him, daring him to rise to the bait.

Sparky was definitely the right one.

Zuko opened his mouth, then shut it. It opened and closed it a couple more times. He reminded me oddly of a nervous fish.

Then he seemed to deflate, once again trying to snag the title as world'd best impersonator at hot air balloons , "What do you want?" He asked

I looked at him, then glanced around the teashop, "I know what you did!" I said, quite loudly. I could tell we had caught the attention of everyone in the teashop. Drama, perfect.

"What? What have you heard- I mean. I haven't done anything." He snapped at me.

Guilt. It was written all over his face. He _did_ do it. He took advantage of poor innocent Aang. Aang doesn't even know what sex is for the love of all that is good in this world. And I would bet my earth-bending skills that if sparky and Aang DID make-out Sparky made the

first move.

"Oh really," I pretended to check my nail even though I was bind and even if I wasn't I still wouldn't give a shit about what they looked like.

Then I turned sharply and looked directly at him, "Who have you been kissing lately?"

He looked uncomfortable.

I KNEW IT!

"None of your business." He responded primly.

Oh this was too good.

I raised an eyebrow. " Oh _really._ Well Sparky, I MAKE it my business if _someone_ (_**nudge nudge hint hint wink wink) **_take advantage of one of my friends!"

"Hey! THEY WANTED IT IT!" Sparky yelled back.

As if! Aang wasn't that type of person.

"That's all." I said. I turned sharply and waltzed out.

I could hear the whispers of the customers as they discussed the new gossip.

Sparky down. Now for Twinkletoes.

I laughed. Twinkletoes making out with Zuko.

Who knew he had it in him?


	7. fire between the palace walls

Chapter 7-

**Back to the girls. What's Azula gonna teach them?**

Azula's POV-

"OK, rule number one of seduction. Seduce someone you LIKE." I started.

Mai and Ty lee nodded reverently.

"I mean, what's the point in seducing the useless cabbage merchant if you don't like him?" I finished rule one with a flourish.

"Now rule two, the whole satisfaction of seduction lie in the chase. Maybe not really in the actual success of it. Though it's good to actually succeed, when your in the quest of seduction itself you can experience that special thrill that you can only experience in the chase.

He is your prey, you are the predator. You pursue him like a tiger-lion chases and rabbit-vole. Like a-"

Ty lee put up her hand, "Yes Ty lee?" I asked.

"Um- 'zula, how do you know all this?" She asked.

I blushed, some of the scrolls in the royal library weren't exactly clean.

"I have my ways." I said mysteriously.

"Yeah right." Scoffed Mai. "I saw you reading "Fire between the Palace walls." when I went to your house two years ago."

By this time my cheeks were full on flame, those scrolls were delightfully graphic.

"Um, well..." I tried to explain.

"Woah! YOU READ "FIRE BETWEEN THE PALACE WALLS"? I'VE WANTED TO READ THAT FOREVER!" Ty lee suddenly yelled. I clamped my hands over my ears, "GIMME!"

"I don't have it HERE." I snapped at Ty lee, "Where do you think I would keep a stash of romance scrolls in an insane asylum?"

"Um, somewhere?" She asked.

I rolled my eyes.

"Well, at least tell me what happens!" She demanded.

I smiled, even Mai leaned forward at this point.

"Well," I began, "First there's this guy and he's in love with the Princess, he come to visit her every night because her parents don't like her seeing him and one night they get carried away and-yeah. That's pretty much it."

Ty lee sighed contentedly, "I need those scrolls." She said with a dreamy look on her face.

I sighed. I didn't think I was even going to make it past rule three of seduction with the way this was going.

I shrugged, romance scrolls sounded better than "the art of seduction".

I threw myself into the conversation with my extensive knowledge of "physical love". We discussed everything from orgasms to oral sex.

In the middle of a conversation about "deep throating" Ty lee suddenly exclaimed.

"Gross! You have to swallow their, you know!" she looked around hastily as if expecting someone to just randomly burst out of nowhere and laugh at her for saying what she was about to say. "Sperm." She whispered. Then her voice went back to normal. "That's just

blarg!" She shuddered in an exaggerated fashion.

I frowned, "I THINK it's supposed to taste good."

Mai looked at me skeptically, "Are you sure?"

I held my hands up in front of me in the classic i'm-un-armed-!-Don't-hurt-me-officer or the classic I-don't-know move.

"Look _I _don't' know. Aren't YOU supposed to have first hand knowledge on this?" I asked.

Mai spluttered, "Well, um, me, -er...Zuko we- didn't, yeah. We didn't get past second base." She finished flatly.

"What second base?" Asked Ty lee.

"Water tribe apparently have slang for this, first base being kissing, second being touching, third being oral sex or anything below the waist that isn't full on sex and a home run being sex." She explained.

"I bet noble fire lord Zuzu and that water tribe wench have already scored a home run." I spat.

Frankly I was disgusted with Zuko. Even _I_ didn't think he would stoop to that level.

"Yeah," Whispered Mai.

I gave her a hug, "He isn't good enough for you." I whispered in her ear.

"GROUP HUG!" Screamed Ty lee.

Soon we were imprisoned in a tight hug courtesy of Ty lee.

"Photo opportunity!" I yelled.

I held up my hands and pretended to snap a photo while the goth, the bubbly acrobat and the insane ex-princess grinned like loons.


	8. What are you hiding?

Chapter 8

**Toph goes to confront Aang. Dun dun DUN!**

Toph's POV

Ok, now to get twinkletoes, a.k.a Aang, a.k.a. THE GUY WHO MADE OUT WITH SPARKY WHEN SPRAKY FORCED HIM AND THIS COULD TOTALLY COUNT AS RAPE BECAUSE SPARKY TOOK ADVANTAGE OF POOR DEFENSELESS AANG WHO DOESN'T EVEN KNOW WHAT SEX IS!

_Pant pant pant._

Wait a sec...

WHAT IF SPARKY HAD RAPED AANG?

OMFG!

Poor poor Aang. He's probably scarred for life.

An image of Aang sitting in the corner of a room hyperventilating came to my mind.

My make-believe Aang started talking.

"If only someone was there to save me." He said.

Oh spirits. Poor thing!

"Some one who knows me well." He continued.

It must be awful that no one came to rescue him.

"Some one who doesn't wear blue." he went on.

I frowned. Why someone who doesn't wear blue? Unless...

Sokka would tease him! Maybe even join in! The fiend! All previous respect I had for Sokka vanished. Ok, no Sokka.

But why not Katara? Oh yeah. Aang probably still had lingering feelings towards her. He didn't want her to see him being raped!

Ok, no Katara.

Who did that leave?

"Some one who wears green." Hallucination Aang put in.

Iroh?

"And is blind."

Who did we know who was blind?

"And has no hygiene." Aang hinted.

Wait. He better not mean...

"And ran away from her parents."

He was being awfully specific...

" And name begins with T."

Ok ok. I get it.

"And ends in H."

Yeah, I know..

"And has a O and P in it."

Look, I know how to spell my name.

"Why didn't she save me?" Fake Aang started crying again.

All previous annoyance towards hallucination Aang disappeared.

Oh gods. I'm so sorry Aang.

"I might not have been able to save him." I said to msyelf, "But I'll be here for him now."

I set off to find Aang.

Eventually I found him after tracking his heart beat for around thirty minutes which made me feel slightly like a stalker.

Then I took wrong directions from 15 people.

Yay.

Eventually I found him in this little villa the earth king had given him while he stayed in Ba Sing Se.

I blew the door down and ran towards him.

I grabbed him and pulled him into a crushing hug.

"It's Ok Aang." I said. I wasn't sure how to comfort him so I settled for patting him on the back. "Zuko will never hurt you again while I'm here."

"Toph? What are you doing?"

Sweetness?

What's she doing here?

"What are you doing here." I asked.

Is it just me or is this thing getting out of hand?

"Toph. I'm staying here with Aang."

Aah, she must be here to nurse him back to health from his frightening ordeal.

"Where Aang?" I asked, "It's urgent."

"He's in the back room why do-"

I was outta there before she had even finished her sentence.

Using my amazing earth-bending skills I located Aang.

He was sitting on the floor.

Oh no! He's crying on the floor like in my vision!

I sprinted towards him but tripped and managed to land on him.

"Ow." I said.

The thirteen year old avatar under me wasn't crying.

Strange.

"Um, Toph. What are you doing? Are you Ok?" Asked Aang in a concerned voice.

"No!" I snapped.

"Oh, "Aang said. "What's wrong?"

"Well, for one I'm here to-"

Wait a sec why was Aang trying to comfort me?

I'm supposed to be comforting him!

I grabbed Aang by the front of his robes.

At this point I was kinda straddling him but it didn't really matter since _I_ wasn't in love with Aang

and after what happened to him the poor thing was probably going to need years of counseling to love anyone ever again.

"Listen Aang." I said, all seriousness. "Whatever he did to you. It doesn't matter. The rest of us will

be here for you and if you want me to murder him I'll do it. Just, are you OK?"

I couldn't sense what was going on on Aang's face but I bet he was about to bust into tears and there would be a lot of comforting needed.

"What are you talking about Toph?" He asked in a confused voice.

"I know what Zuko did." I said dramatically.

"What did Zuko do?" He asked.

Before I could answer that there was seriously no need to pretend it never happened Sweetness burst in.

She covered my mouth with her hand.

"She doesn't mean anything!" She said hurriedly.

I furrowed my brow.

What was she hiding?


	9. Why can't I learn about babies?

Chapter 9

**Aang reflects on the drama of that day. It's ends with him needing to ask someone something.**

**What is it? Or more importantly:  
>Who is it?<strong>

Aang's POV-

This has been a really weird day.

First Toph run through the door, trips and lands on me.

Then she kind of sits on me while telling me that what Zuko did to me doesn't matter.

When I ask what in the name of Avatar Roku she's talking about she says that she knows what Zuko did.

What _did_ Zuko do to me?

And why did whatever Zuko did to me involve Katara running into the room and covering Toph's mouth with her hand?

Then Katara drags Toph out for a "girl to girl" chat.

What's going on?

And I wish people would always stop doing that weird thing. Like let's say that everyone's having dinner together or something and Zuko or Sokka or Toph or sometimes even Suki will open their mouth and then someone will cover my ears just as they're about to say

something. The someone is usually Katara. It's actually kind of rude. I mean, _I_ didn't say I _wanted_ my ears covered.

It's also really annoying because I never know what they say. And it's usually really funny.

Well, I think it is.

I mean, everyone laughs.

A lot.

But, come to think of it. That usually happens when everyone's has loads of fire-whisky. Last time we went to dinner I wanted to see what the big fuss about fire-whisky was. They wouldn't let me have any. "They" meaning Katara. It really sucks.

But I guess there's gotta be a reason why I can't drink any.

Wish I could though.

The day after everyone's always in a really bad mood. And Sokka keeps complaining about having a headache.

The Uncle Iroh gives everyone this tea.

I once asked him what the tea was and if I was allowed any.

Iroh said the day I'm allowed any is the day he sees Mai pregnant.

I didn't really get that so I asked him how babies were made.

He got all flustered and told me he had forgotten some kind of appointment with someone. Then he practically RAN out.

What did I say?

Well, Mai _is probably_ going to get pregnant.

My experience with the baby situation goes like this:

Two people fall in love.

They date.

The girl gets pregnant.

I mean, the air benders were really lax about the baby thing.

Well, not really.

I mean, you had to be thirteen to start the whole "baby education" thing.

So think about it.

I _should_ be learning how to make babies RIGHT NOW.

I'm old enough at least.

Grr.

Maybe I'll go ask Ty lee.

She's really nice and she sometimes comes to the dinner things and when she does and Katara covers my ears she says stuff like:

"C'mon guys. Why do you baby him so much?" Then she always flashes my a smile, "No offense Aang."

So, not to be rude, I always say : "No offense taken."

Then she always tries to explain something to me. She always gets as far as :

"When two people love each other very much."

Then Katara interrupts her and shoots her a death glare so Ty lee has to stop.

Yeah.

I think I'll ask Ty lee.

Wonder where she is.


	10. You're sexing Ty lee you idiot!

Chapter 10

**Well, this story is becoming random. Chapter 10 _already_!**

**Aang finds Ty lee.**

Mai's POV-

"I am going to KILL Zuko." Azula announced.

Ty lee frowned, "Haven't you already tried that?"

"Yeah, see how well that turned out," I said, using my favorite tone of voice; bitingly sarcastic mixed with a hint of monotone, "She managed to become public enemy no.1 and land herself in an insane asylum."

Ty lee looked thoughtful for a moment then suddenly she jumped up, "I got it!" She said.

Azula looked at her skeptically, "Does your plan involve poisoned kittens?"

"Ok, I don't get it." Ty lee admitted.

Ty lee sighed, Azula sighed and I sighed just for the heck of it.

Azula stretched out on the prison floor, yawning lazily, "Do you know what the worst bit of an insane asylum is?"

"No." I answered in my usual bored voice.

"No." Ty lee said in her usual bouncy voice.

"There are NO cute guys." She said, "Can you believe that the last time I got laid was before I came here? Nearly a year ago!"

Out of our little group Azula had gone the furthest. She's had full sex already. I'm still a virgin, so is Ty lee. It's hard to believe Ty lee is still a virgin, she's got like ten boyfriends! But she is, she once told both of us that she's scared of having sex.

"I'm scared. Isn't it supposed to hurt, like loads?" She made us promise not to tell anyone.

Azula's been having sex since she was thirteen. She had oral at twelve and lost her virginity at thirteen. She's been having it at least once a month since then.

I once spoke to this guys she did the dirty with.

Now, you would expect Azula to be some kind of kinky super freak. But according to the guy she was real sweet, nice and loving. She liked it romantic.

Weird, huh?

"Wow Azula." I said, sarcastic as usual, "How have you lasted this long?"

"With great difficulty." Azula said.

"I WANNA LOOSE THE BIG V BUT I'M SCARED OF THE PAIN!" Yelled Ty lee all of a sudden.

What she didn't notice was the Aang (a.k.a the avatar, savior of the world) had appeared in the doorway and heard everything she said. He looked slightly disturbed.

"Um, Ty lee?" I could hear the amusement in my voice.

"Anyways," Continued Azula, she had her eyes closed and couldn't see the visitor. "The first time always seriously hurts. Even sticking a finger up your vag can really hurt the first time cuz your exploring un-charted territory."

"GUYS!" I yelled, Aang was on the verge of being mentally scarred forever.

"WHAT?" They both yelled.

I gestured to Aang.

"Oh my fucking spirits." Azula said.

"Um, hi Aang!" Ty lee said, feigning brightness, "Forget you ever heard us."

"Um, Ty lee." Aang said, "I kinda need your help."

" 'Course Aang." Ty lee said, bowing comically, "Allow me and the ladies to help the savior of the world."

Azula was just staring at Aang like he was a giant candy coated ice-cream that miraculously gave no calories.

"It's a boy who isn't more than fifty years old." She said, wonder was plain in her voice.

"Um, 'zula?" Asked Ty lee, a slight hint of worry in her voice. "Don't try anything stupi- AHHHHHH!" Azula had attempted to jump Aang and rape him right there, despite the fact that he was a thirteen year old boy.

Thankfully Ty lee had positioned herself between Azula and Aang at the last moment. She knew, as well as I did, that when Azula went into a sex-craving maniac stage the entire fire-nation army couldn't stop her.

So now Azula had jumped Ty lee and had not realized it wasn't Aang. She started violently pashing her while Ty lee struggled maniacally. "Mai! Save me!" Ty lee screamed at me between breaths.

I looked at Aang, our eyes met. "Is Azula mad at me?" He asked.

He had the most ADORABLE expression on his face.

Confused with a hint of a blush.

"No." I said, shaking my head, "Quite the opposite she seriously WANTS you."

Aang looked at me with that confused expression again, "What does that mean?"

Oh Agni, I forgot. He doesn't know what sex is!

"I'll tell you later." I said.

I then attempted to detangle Azula from Ty lee. It didn't work so I screamed in Azula's ear, "You're

sexing Ty lee you idiot!"

That made her stop.

She jumped up and finally got a glance at the person she was covering in love-bites.

Ty lee smiled weakly, "Hey 'zula. You're a great kisser."

"FUCK!" Azula swore loudly, Aang jumped slightly. "I'm so sorry Ty lee."

"It's ok 'zula, it was a learning experience." Ty lee said before getting up and brushing herself down.

Ty lee the turned to face Aang, "So what do you need Aang?"

"Well," Aang shuffled for a bit, "I REALLY need to know how babies are made."

Azula choked on her own spit. She hadn't been to any of the dinners.

"Aaah," Ty lee said wisely, "Katara won't let you find out?"

Aang nodded, "And according to air- nomad law I should be learning how to make babies RIGHT NOW."

Me, Azula and Ty lee all looked at each other.

"Now," Ty lee began, "When two people love each other very much..."


	11. The short sharp approach

Chapter 11

**I honestly don't know where this story is going to stop.**

**I'm going completely random now.**

**Random crack pairings all over the place.**

Azula's POV-

"Wait, wait, wait." I said, holding up a hand, "Ty lee, you can't just jump into the explanation like that!"

"Why not?" Asked Ty lee, frowning slightly.

I sighed, "It's quite a difficult subject to explain, not to mention AWKWARD." I said, glancing slightly at Aang.

"Um, Azula?" He asked me, "No offense but I'm kinda scared of you and why are you being so nice?"

"What?" I asked, completely flabbergasted, I had only latched onto the scared bit. "WHY?"

"Well..." He said, looking down at his toes, "You tried to kill me a couple of times..."

"So?" I snapped slightly, "LOADS of people have tried to kill you. Ty lee and Mai for instance, even Zuko!"

"Well, you see." He said, "You actually kinda succeeded."

Mai looked confused, "How could she have succeeded? You _are_ here right? You're not a ghost?"

Mai crawled over to him and started prodding his face.

"You seem, kinda real." She condescended, "But there's only one way to know for sure."

Before me of Ty lee could do anything she had grabbed Aang roughly by the shoulders and was kissing him with so much passion we were sure that Dad (supreme douche bag fire lord begins with o and ends in i) could feel pleasure.

Me and Ty lee kind of sat there in shock. Aang kind of was being kissed while in shock.

Mai was not a bit in shock.

She was really getting into it.

I could literally SEE her tongue doing what people's tongues do when they kiss passionately.

After about five minutes she finally pulled away.

"Definitely not a ghost!" She said happily, me and Ty lee were now even more in shock, not just because Mai had been passionately kissing the avatar a few second previously but also because now

Mai was radiating a kind of Ty lee level happiness.

Aang sort of sat there in shock.

His eyes all wide.

"Mai!" Scolded Ty lee, "You don't just randomly kiss someone! Plus tongue is reserved for the second or third kiss."

"Except in sex," I felt it was my duty to get this across, "In sex you can use as much tongue as you want."

"Aww, c'mon guys!" Mai said, still smiling wildly, "I got back at Zuko!"

"Yeah, but Zuko and the water tribe hussy had SEX." Ty lee added.

She then noticed the look on Mai's face, "Oh on. No! No Mai! Bad girl!"

"Aang," Mai said sweetly, "Would you mind..."

Aang just looked around in confusion, "Was that part of the explanation?"

"YES!" Ty lee leaped on that excuse like a cat to a mouse. "That WAS part of the explanation! That is the kind of kissing you do when having sex! We thought it'd be better if we SHOWED you rather

than told you."

"Yes and now we're going to SHOW you how to have sex." Mai added, leaning a bit too close to Aang for me and Ty lee's taste.

I grabbed Mai by the collar.

"Oh, that is going TOO far missy!" I said,

"Yeah! Plus he's only thirteen." Added Ty lee.

"Fine," Mai grumbled, "But who else am I going to sex up? I wanna get back at Zuko!"

"What did Zuko do?" Asked Aang.

"Well Aang," Started Ty lee, she was using the "nice" approach, which basically mean't not actually

revealing ANYTHING until the person who you were explaining the situation too figured it out

themselves.

"Water bender girl had sex with Zuko." I said, cutting off Ty lee completely.

I had always preferred the short sharp approach myself.


	12. Kissing Ozai's angels

Chapter 12

**O.o**

**What will Aang's reaction be?**

**This story is going CRAZY. **

**I've got some Azulaang in this chapter, and there was Maang in the last chapter.**

**All we need is Ty laang for Aang to have kissed everyone of Ozai's angels.**

Aaang's POV-

My world came crashing down on me.

Ow, the world sure was heavy.

Katara and Zuko.

NOOOOOOOOOOOOO!

I thought _I_ was with Katara!

I mean, we kissed at the teashop and stuff.

I asked her to come to the zoo with me and SHE SAID YES.

Ok, now I'm just angry.

I think I'll go murder Zuko.

Even though murdering is strictly against air-nomad laws.

But still, this isn't the time for stupid laws.

I'm going to skin Zuko very slowly, then rip open his ribcage and tear out his heart.

MWAH HA HA HA!

ZUKO IS GOING DOWN!

HE WILL REGRET THE DAY HE EVER LOOKED AT KATARA WITH MORE THAN FRIENDSHIP-NESS! (Is that a word?)

"Um, Aang?" Ty lee asked, she was sounding slightly worried, "You've kinda gone really still, plus your left eye is twitching. Are you ok?"

Somewhere in my addled brain there was only one thing on my mind.

I MUST GET REVENGE ON KATARA!

I seriously don't know why I did it but Azula WAS closest to me, plus she isn't UGLY or anything.

She's actually kinda pretty, once you get over the craziness.

So completely out of nowhere I grabbed Azula and pulled her into a searing lip lock.

Or at least _I_ thought it was searing.

Damn, Azula's a good kisser.

Seriously good with her tongue.

Like Mai's kiss was all passion and stuff, but kissing Azula is like passion and romance all bundled into one.

With lots of tongue.

I was vaguely aware that Mai and Ty lee were watching us with looks of disbelief on their faces.

Maybe it was the fact that I was kissing Azula.

Or maybe it was the fact THAT SHE WAS KISSING BACK.

When we finally broke apart we just stared at each other a bit.

"You're a really good kisser." I told her.

"You're not to bad yourself air-bender," Azula said.

Ty lee cleared her throat loudly.

"Um, guys?"

Our heads shot up, acknowledging the other people in the room.

"Sorry." I said.

"Fuck off." Azula said.

I sighed.

"I wanna make Katara jealous." I announced.

"I wanna make Zuko jealous." Mai announced.

We looked at each other.

" I could use some help." Mai said.

"So could I." I said.

"I just wanna get out of here." Azula said.

"I wanna kiss the avatar." Pouted Ty lee. "How come everyone here's kissed Aang but me?"

"We can change that." I said.

Ty lee smiled and we both leaned in and BAM!

Ty lee's kisses are MIND BLOWING.

Seriously, where did that girl learn her technique?

I then did a mental comparison with Katara's kisses and Mai, Azula and Ty lee's kisses.

They all beat Katara's hand's down.

"Guys." I said, "I'm over Katara."

"Ooh why?" Asked Ty lee, she was a little flushed.

"Well, you guys have made me realize how terrible Katara is at kissing." I said.

"Terrible?" Asked Mai enthusiastically, "How terrible?"

"Well, she just doesn't know where to put her tongue, plus once she spat in my mouth." I shuddered remembering.

"Oh agni." Azula said sympathetically. "Well Aang, if you get me out of here I'll personally bring you Zuko's head on a BBQ platter. Plus, remember, I'm crazy ex-princess Azula. No one will be surprised."

She grinned at me, and I decided that I DID like Azula. She was nice.

"Thanks." I said. "I'll go talk to Zuko." I mentally gagged.

"Remember not to act like anything's wrong." Ty lee warned me.

"Yeah," Mai said, "Pretend he's not a stupid bastard who..."

"MAI!" Ty lee cut her off.

She turned to me.

"Try treating him like you used too."

I nodded.

I can do this.

I think.


	13. I'mmadlyinlovewithAzula

Chapter 13

**Lucky no. 13.**

**How will Aang convince Zuko to let Azula walk free?**

Zuko's POV-

Some really crazy stuff has been happening lately.

I've been having an affair with Katara and I'm pretty sure Toph knows.

Ok, I didn't MEAN to cheat on Mai.

But me and Katara were both drunk out of our minds and she was just sitting there (Mai was away) looking all fuckable and shit.

So yeah, story of my life.

Forever making the wrong choices.

I CHEATED on Mai.

And Katara CHEATED on Aang.

And now I am feeling the guilt.

WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME?

Me and Aang are like brothers we DANCED together for Agni's sake.

Why did I have to have sex with his girlfriend?

I mean, I already HAVE a girlfriend.

Stupid stupid stupid stupid stupid stupid stupid...

How about I back down from being fire lord, change my name and move to an obscure town in the middle of nowhere.

Yeah...

I like that plan.

"My Lord, The avatar is here to see you."

The voice boomed out and startled me from my nice fantasy where I would run away from all my problems.

Wait a sec, did he say the AVATAR.

But that means...

Maybe right now is a good time for me to commence plan run-away-and-never-come-back.

Yeah, This is the right time.

No time, Aang had already stepped into the room.

Wait, he didn't look MAD.

He looked the same as always.

Ok, maybe plan run-away-and-never-come-back could wait.

"Flameo Hotman!" Aang called out cheerfully to me.

I sank into my throne in relief.

He didn't know.

"What can I do for you?" I asked in a long suffering tone, "Do you need more girl advice?"

I winced as I remembered the last time I had to give Aang girl advice.

Not even my dad, yes my DAD crazy fire lord Ozai, giving me "the talk" was that embarrassing.

I shuddered with the memories.

"Well," Said Aang, "This is kind of an awkward subject..."

"Guards leave," I commanded.

They left without question, but I didn't doubt they would have their ears pressed to the door.

"What is it Aang?" I asked.

"Well." Aang, hesitated for a moment before rushing into it.

"'?"

"What?" I leaned forward in my seat.

I couldn't understand a word he said.

He took a deep breath as if he was preparing to face down some kind of enemy.

"Will you promise not to be mad?" He asked urgently.

I nodded dumbly.

What could AANG, the most innocent person on the planet, have done?

"Well," He was playing with the edge of his robes, "I'm in love with Azula."

"WHAT?" I fell off my seat before choking on my own spit.

Aang rushed forward to help me.

"What the fuck, Aang?" I gasped as soon as I had stopped choking.

He looked sheepish for a second.

"It's just that she's really pretty and actually really nice." He defended his choice in women.

"I suppose you want me to set her free?" I asked, raising one eyebrow.

He nodded.

"Fine," I sighed. "She's free."

Anything to get Aang off my back about Katara, I thought silently.

"Thanks Zuko!" Aang beamed before slipping out.

I groaned.

My life was turning into a living hell.


	14. shit just went down

Toph's POV-

"You are a slut." I said it pretty matter of factly. Mostly because it was a fact. A very well known slightly annoying fact. Well okay, maybe not very well known but _I_ know and that's well known enough.

Katara was visibly drooping, "I know." She half-whispered in this barely audible slightly annoying oh-i-feel-so-sorry-for-myself voice.

"You are a shameless slut." I continued.

Katara just nodded.

"With a droopy vagina." I added.

At this point the little hussy decided to burst into tears. "I know." She sobbed. "What am I going to do?!"

I shrugged, "Beats me."

Then a flash of inspiration came to me.

"Okay," I said briskly, "Do you want to date Zuko?"

She blinked up at me, sniffling slightly.

"What?" She managed in that annoying little whispery voice.

"No?" I prompted.

She shifted her eyes away from my non-existent probing stare (ha ha).

"Not really." She confided.

I looked (ha ha ha ha ha) at her, "Why not?"

"Well," She dropped he voice even lower, I leaned forward, "His dick is TINY."

I raised my eyebrows, "How tiny?"

She pulled her thumb and forefinger a little distance apart and held them up to me before realising that I couldn't see them.

So instead she settled for just saying: "Not very big."

I nodded knowingly, not that I really had mountains of experience concerning these matter but hey, I'd probably never SEE a penis in my life so it didn't really matter.

I smirked, "Must have been a great little started penis."

She blushed a deeper red, "Not really a _starter_." She mumbled.

Wait a sex, what did she mean by that? Did she means that... Oh lords in heaven above.

"You lost your v-card to HARU?!" I screeched.

She ran the clamp a hand over my mouth.

"Not so loud!" She hissed. "And it wasn't Haru." She added quickly, "Eeeeewwwww! Have you SEEN the two caterpillars that've attached themselves to his face?!"

I raised an eyebrow at her.

She blushed, or at least I think she did. Dayum, this blind thing was really getting on my nerves.

"Well then?" I asked impatiently, "Who was it?"

I heard her take a deep breath before exhaling quickly.

"Promise you won't say anything bad?"

I sighed, "Promise" I said grudgingly.

"It was that guy we met at that place..." I could hear her clicking her fingers rapidly while trying to remember.

Then the gasped, "Yes!' She said loudly, "I remember!"

"Great," I muttered, then adding slightly louder, "Care to enlighten?"

"That guy who didn't talk and was kind of going out with smellerbee!"

I face palmed before deciding that it wasn't enough and instead settled for slaming my head inot the floor.

"Long. Fucking. Shot. Was. The. Guy. You. Lost. Your. Virginity. To?"

I heard her mumble slightly. Something along the lines of wasn't my fault.

Wasn't my fault my ass. Shit just went down.

"Guys guys!"

We both looked up, I didn't see anything but I knew it was sokka anyways.

"What up, you little circus freak shagger?"

He turned towards me and I think he glared but we can't be too sure about this.

"Wait!" Katara yelled, "You and Ty lee?!"

"Runs in the family." I murmured.

Sokka sighed and seemed to be masaaging his temples.

"Nothing I have ever done or ever will do will measureup to what I have to tell you."

I leaned forwards at precisely the same time as Katara.

"Well, Aang and Azula."

I take it back, shit JUST went down.


End file.
